Me: So why are we taking this reading test for a second time?

Student: So we can see how much we've learned.

Me: That's right, to measure our growth.

Student 2: But I feel like I've only grown 2 inches!

Me: So how would our world be different if we cared about love more than anything else?

Student: Well, my parents would probably go to Paris and never come back for me.

Student 1, to New Student: Just wait until everyone's here...you'll see...no matter how much is going on, Ms. F. will hear everything you say.

Me: It's true. I notice everything.

Student 1: Well if I was in a class full of black people, I'd notice everything too!

School is hard sometimes.

Student: Why do we always have so much work on the first day of the semester?

Me: We need to set a serious tone.

Student: Well I'm about to put a serious tone in my own FACE!

Me: NOT THAT KIND OF TONE!

Student: I know. Sorry.

Me: So, for your Independent Reading Homework, you can read something you already have at home, or you can pick something out right now.

Student: Does the McDonald's Menu count?

Wait, what?

Me: Remember, you need to be seated and quiet until the bell rings, or you're not going anywhere! Some of you have been trying to sneak out...

Student 1: Yeah, we can all thank Student 2 for that one.

Student 2: That wasn't me!

Me: Who was it, then?

Student 2: My twin.

Student 1: What's her name?

Student 2: Lily.

Opinions on me.

Student: I can't be in this class.

Me: Why on earth not?

Student: Your voice is too high. It hurts.

Student: I like my teachers. But FUCK students, FUCK administrators, FUCK my family, FUCK EVERYONE ELSE.

Me: Uh...

Student: Ms. F, I think you are going to feel really bad tomorrow.

Me: Why?

Student: Because you are being so mean.

Me: I don't think I'll feel bad.

Student 1: Ms. F., you are the coolest teacher ever.

Me: You only say that when you know I'm mad at you.

Student 2: No, she's NOT the coolest teacher.

Student 1: DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY TEACHER LIKE THAT OR I'LL STAB YOU IN THE F%!#% FACE!!

Me: Uh, thanks?

Student: Do you have kids?

Me: No, not yet.

Student: What kind of a life is that?

Me: Hey! It's a fine life!

Student: Why are your car seats down?

Me: Because I had a Christmas tree in the back of my car.

Student: God, why even BOTHER getting a Christmas tree with no kids?

Student: This is a pretty sweet car. All you need is to get a nice tint job.

Me: Hm. And what about some sweet rims?

Student: Um, no. Just the tint.

Me: Oh, I know! And some hydraulics!

Student: NO.

Me: But I could be bumpin' in here!

Student: NO, MS. F!

general inanity and confusion

Tiffany: Hey, did you know there's a movie with my name in it called Breakfast at Tiffany's?

Student 2: Hey, did you know there's a movie called Tiffany Shut the Fuck Up?

Me: No, I didn't! So don't tell me about it!

Student 2: No, seriously, Ms. F, it's On Demand right now!

Me: So, we need to use the word "mandate" in a sentence. Any ideas?

Student 1: I don't know, but your name should be in it, because you're being mean today.

Student 2: Hey, where'd my pencil go?

Me: How about, "Ms. F. issued a mandate requiring everyone to look for Student 2's pencil."

Student 1: Oh, can I go?

Me: Sure!

Student 1: "The new mandate told Tiffany to just stop talking."

Me: Never mind.

Student 1: *accepts bathroom pass and gets up to go to the restroom*

Student 2: Hey! Where are you going?

Student 1: To the CLUB.

Me: A passive sentence is just awkward and boring. I don't want to say "The essay was written by S---." I want to say "S---wrote the essay."

S---: What essay?

Me: No, it's an example.

S---: I didn't write no essay.

Students: It's an example!

S---: I don't understand. What essay?

Student: Oh, you remember, the one you wrote last week? About the verbs?

S---: Oh...yeah, that's right.

Me, to hyper student: My goodness, did you have coffee for lunch?

Hyper student: What?

Other student: Oh my God, are you saying that coffee makes you BAD??

Me: What's the matter today?

Student: Well, you know, when you were younger, and you used to date people?

Me: Ouch!

Student: Ms. F., what's in Connecticut?

Me: My family.

Student: No, I mean, what is there to do?

Me: Honestly, not much. There's--

Student: Are there cows in Connecticut?

Me: Actually there are--

Student: I knew it. I couldn't go there. If I stepped in cow manure, I would KILL that cow!

Student: Ms. F., can there be two queens of England?

Me: Well, no, it's one position.

Student: But what if the queen was gay?

Me: Then, honestly, she probably wouldn't tell anyone.

Student: No! I mean, what if she was gay, and she married a woman? Then there'd be two queens!

Student 2: And I'd be moving to London!

Student: It's supposed to snow. Ms. W. said that we need to wear our pajamas inside out.

Me: That's right!

Student: And sleep with a knife under our pillows.

Me: I think that's a spoon.

Student: No, knife!

Me: Spoon!

Student: Knife!

Me: It HAS to be a SPOON! If it was a knife, you could hurt yourself!

Student: But it would be so much more exciting!