Manic Monday

While Going Over Capitalization Rules...
Me: Whenever you see the letter "I" by itself, you have to capitalize it. No matter what.
Student: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put "U" and "I" together.
Me: It's going to be one of those days, isn't it?

While Reading Night...
Student 1: If I were him, I would just eat all of my bread right away, and worry about later later.
Student 2: No, that's stupid! You'd die!
Me: They don't know how long they're going to be marching for...it might be a bad idea to eat everything right away.
Student 1: Nah, I'd just find some food on the ground.
Me: There's thousands of people marching! Would you want to bank on you being the one to find the food on the ground? Even if it was just our class marching somewhere, I'd feel uncomfortable assuming I'd be the one to find the food.
Student 1: We'd probably have to eat each other...but we can't eat Ms. F...she's too skinny.
Me: Thank you.
Student 2: We'd really only be able to use you as a toothpick.
Student 3: Y'all aren't eating me...I'd shank you first.
Student 4: Can we get back to the book?
Me: No one's eating anyone!
Student 1: Maybe we could eat T----....no, he wouldn't be good.

Me: Why do you cuss so much?
Student: I do not. I am one of the least cussative students you have. *pause.* If cussative is a word. Is cussative a word?
Me: No.
Student: Oh. I'm going to have to make it one. How do you make a word? Do you have to go to the government for that?

Hall monitor outside my room: Fourth period! Find somewhere to go!
Student: I hate when they say that. "Find somewhere to go." I found somewhere to go. It's in the f**king hallway.
Me: *silence*
Student: You feel me, Ms. F., yo?

early morning gems

Student: You know what the toughest book I ever read was? Humpty Dumpty! That egg goes hard!
Everyone else in the class: Um, what?
Student: For real! He gets up on that wall and just sits there, even though everything's falling down around him! If I were an egg, I wouldn't do that shit!


Me: How was the speech test?
Student 1: Oh, I didn't take it.
Me: Again!? Why on earth not!?
Student 1: Because! That guy's gay! He makes me sit in a quiet room, all alone with him...
Me: That's because it's a speech test. He needs to make sure he can hear you.
Student 1: I don't want to take it!
Me: You really need to put yourself in the speech therapist's shoes for a minute. He--
Student 2: His shoes!? EW!!!
Me: You be quiet!
Student 2: *scrunches face up* EEEEW!!

Me: You know, you have an 82 in my class.

Student 1: Really!?

Me: Yup. Good job!

Student 1, gesturing to the other student in the room: What's his grade?

Me: Umm...not an 82.

Student 2: Oh yeah! That's because I'm smart!

Student 1: Yo, she said not an 82.

Student 2: Oh.

Student 1: Man, you're failing everything. I bet the only class you're passing is lunch.

Student 2: I don't even go to lunch! Show's how stupid you are! Stupid!

Student: Ms. F, am I passing your class?
Me: No.
Student: Why not!?
Me: Because you never come!
Student: Aw, that means I'm gonna be failing all of my classes!
Me: Well...maybe you should come to school.
Student: That's so HARD!
Me: ?
Student: So, if I'm failing, will I still be passing?
Me: Ummmm...no.

Student: Ms. F., are you angry right now?
Me: No...
Student: Oh. 'Cause there's a vein in your forehead that is just SAVAGE right now.


Student 1, approaching me in the hallway right before class: There's only two of us here! Where is everyone?
Me: Who cares!? All the cool kids are here!
Student 2: runs out of the classroom, makes a face, and slams himself into a locker
Me: *silence*
Student 1: Um...I'm not that cool! I'm not that cool!


Student: I'm so mad at Ms. W!
Me: Why?
Student: She said she'd give me make-up work, and she didn't yet!
Me: I'm sure she will.
Student: I'm going to go into her room and set it on fire!
Me: No you're not.
Student: I'm just going to wile out and throw desks everywhere!
Me: No you're not.
Student: I'm going to go in there, take a bunch of pencils, arrange them on the floor in a perfect square, and be like WHAT NOW MS. W!?
Me: That sounds more like it.

Me: It's too bad. I feel like his heart's really in the right place, but he just can't control himself.

Administrator: I'm not sure if his heart is in the right place.

Me: Yeah, I see what you're saying...

Administrator: No, I really mean it. He just got out of jail for stealing a car.

Me: Oh.

In which very little learning happens.

During a lesson on figurative language...
Student: Life is like a bathroom...you only go there once in a lifetime.
Ms. D: Do you really only go to the bathroom once in a lifetime?
Student: Oh...no.


During a game of Night Jeopardy...
Me: This is the continent where the Holocaust occurred.
Student: [quickly holds up a picture he has drawn, which is of a truck]
Me: Close...