it's october, and not much has changed...

My Students On World Cultures:

Me, standing at the world map: Okay, our new student is from the Philippines. Where's that?

My two American students: I don't know!

My Filipino Student: It is very small...

Me: Okay, then. Where are we right now? That's easier.

All three students: *stare blankly and silently at the map*

Me: Never mind, guys...have a good day.

***

Student 1, pointing to the Filipino student in the class and whispering: Ms. F, why does he talk so funny?

Me, whispering: Um, because he's from another country.

Student 1: Okay. I just can't stop laughing when he talks.

Me: Well you can't do that...it's really disrespectful.

Student 1: Okay. I'll try to stop.

Filipino Student: Hey, where is that fat girl who was next to me yesterday? She is absent?

Student 1: *dissolves into laughter*

Filipino Student, oblivious: What is your name again?

Me: Ms. F.

Filipino Student: Can I call you Mr. G?

Me: Well no, for lots of reasons...but mostly, I'm not a man, so you can't say "Mister," right?

Student 1: "Mr. G!" *almost falls out of his seat*

Me: This is going to be interesting.

My Students On Religion:

Me: *reads aloud from a short story book*

Student: *quietly mumbles in the back of the room*

Me: *keeps reading, attempting to ignore it*

Student: *keeps mumbling*

Me: Okay, what on earth are you doing? I've already had to talk to you too much about talking today.

Student: Oh, no, I'm not talking! I'm saying "Amen"!

Me: What?

Student: Well, you know, when you're in church, and someone is reading, people always say stuff after every sentence, like "Amen." So that's what I'm doing.

Me: Well, I know what you're talking about. But this isn't church. You can't do that!

Student: *silence*

Me: *Continues reading*

Student: OH, THERE IS A FIRE IN HERE TODAY!

***

Student 1: I am going to become Jewish.

Student 2: Then you're going to Hell. Because Jewish people don't believe in God.

Me: AAHH! That's not true! Jewish people believe in God! They just don't believe in Jesus!

Student 2: Oh, that's right.

Student 3: Jewish people think that God is Muslim.

Me: NOO! Islam is something TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

Student 3: Well Muslim peole think God is Muslim.

Me: Well...at least that's closer...

My Students on...Academics?

Me: Okay, what is one text-to-self connection you can make to this I, Robot clip?

Student: Well, Will Smith doesn't like that robot very much, and I don't like you.

Me: Excuse me?

Student: Just kidding!

Me: Okay, so now, what is one text-to-self connection you can make to this clip from The Office?

Student: WHITE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!!

Me: Fair enough...

Student, practicing her "C" vocabulary words: I don't have any contrast.

Me: What'd you say?

Student: I have no contrast!

Me: Do you mean "compassion"?

Student: Yeah, that's right.

Me: I think you have compassion.

Student: Well, for you. Not for anyone else. I don't care about anyone.

Other student, practicing his "C" vocabulary words: I would never have credibility! I wouldn't pay back money someone loaned me!

Me: Well, I think there are a lot of people who don't have that sort of credibility.

Student: Yeah. I would keep the money and use it to buy a bag.

Me: Do you understand why that is not an appropriate thing to say in this classroom?

Student: Not really...

Me: Well, too bad. It isn't. Shut up.

Me: What's another pronoun in this sentence?

Student: "Sit."

Me: Well there's two problems with that. For one, "sit" isn't a pronoun. Also, it's not one of the words in the sentence.

Me: What's a noun again?

First period student: A verb.

Me: Well, close, but no.

Me, later in the day: Okay, we're talking about nouns. Tell me what a noun is.

Third period student: A part of a sentence. A verb!

Me: What did I do wrong here?

Student 1, making up a quiz from the first week of school: What are our classroom rules?

Student 2: We don't have any...there's only five of us in here.

Me: That's right...we're all running wild, all the time.

Me: Okay, then, if you guys are going to keep talking, I'll just wait for you. *Sits down*

[two minute elapse.]

Student 1: Oh, come on! Can we keep going? I want to read!

Student 2, bitterly: We can't! Because YOU keep talking.

Me: That's right. I'm just going to sit here and keep track of how much time you're all wasting.

Student 2: You know what you should do instead? Start throwing desks out the window. And then be like, 'I guess you guys have to go get them if you want a place to sit!'

Me: Somehow, I don't think that will help...

serious literary analysis

After the twist ending of the short story "The Lottery" was revealed...

Student: Oh my God, why didn't that lady call the police?

Me: Um, I think the police were involved in the stoning, too.

Student: So she couldn't run?

Me: What would you do, if it was 299 against 1? You wouldn't be able to run.

Student: Man. I'd just refuse to be in the lottery.

Me: I think they'd look down on that...

Student: Well then you'd know what I'd do? I'd sit on the toilet with a gun. I'd sleep with a gun. I'd eat breakfast with a gun. I'd...

Me: Okay, okay!

Student 2: So wait, what happened to the money?

Me: What money?

Student 2: The lottery money. She didn't get to keep the money?

Me: There was never any money.

Student 2: So there was a lottery...and if you won it, you won dying?

Me: Yes.

Student 2: Oh.

My students...

On race relations:

Student: Do you like Trey Songz?

Me: No.

Student: Do you like Nicki Minaj?

Me: No.

Student: Yes you do. Everyone likes Nicki. Even the whites!

Student: Oh, so I wanted to say, the other day, I was watching this movie, The Freedom Writers...that's my movie! And in the movie...I'm not racist, but there's this white teacher, and she said...

Student: Black Boy? That sounds racist!

Me: Well, it's about a black man, by a black man.

Student: Racist against his own kind! There's a lot of that!

Me: That's true...

Student: Richard Wright? That sounds like a white name. Are you sure he's not white?

On homosexuality:

Me: Okay, so look at disrespectful comment #5 on your sheet. It says, "Look at those faggy sneakers." Do you think there's a better way to say that?

Student 1, on his paper: "Look at those gay man sneakers."

Student 2, on his paper: "Look at those femmy sneakers"

Student 3, on his paper: "Those sneakers are pretty gay."

Me: pulls hair out.

On mistakes:

Student, reviewing a "What's Wrong With This Scenario" worksheet about students not following classroom procedures: Wow, this might as well be a list of all the shit I did last year.

Student 1: What are we doing next week?

Me: We're starting our Short Stories unit.

Student 2, who failed and is repeating the class: It's easy.

Me: It's not bad.

Student 1: Wait, what did you say?

Student 2: It's really easy.

Student 1: Is it?

Student 2: *thinks for a minute* Oh, shut up!

On extracurriculars:

Student: I can't wait until 3:45.

Me: Why not?

Student: I'm going home! I've got a water gun. I'm going to use it to shoot a wolf.

On geography:

Student 1, looking at map on my wall: Where's Maryland? *traces his finger around California*

Student 2: No, dummy, that's the West Coast!

Me: Yeah, you need to move right a little bit, there...

*bell rings*

Student 1: Oh, no bother. I'll just find it tomorrow!

On acceptance and camaraderie:

Me: So, "accountable talk" is all about creating a respectful, productive learning environment.

Student 1: Oh my God, put your shoes back on! Your feet smell like nacho cheese Doritos!

Student 2: Shut the F$@! up! I'm not bothering you!

Student 3: Feet!

Me: Okay, let's start over...

is it friday yet?

Student: How about today we play a game. Called Triple Dare.
Me: What's that, exactly?
Student: Well, there's three crayons, and you have to eat all three.
Me: You've had a lot to say about eating crayons lately...
Student: What?
Me: Do you eat crayons at home?
Student: No!!
Me: Just wondering.

Student 1, while working on a class list of ways to demonstrate respect in the classroom: Oh! No iPods! I'll write it down.
Student 2: Oh, why'd you write that down? I was going to bring mine tomorrow! And now I can't, because it's on the list!

Me: And cutting class is also disrespectful to your classmates. What if we were supposed to do a fun group activity, but everyone skipped class except for Student 1? That wouldn't be fair.
Student 1: Well, that's when I'd just have to man up and fight them all.

first day excitement

Student: Are there any females in this class?

Me: Well there are some women on the roster, but I haven't seen them yet.

Student: Oh, that is going to be a distraction.

Me: I thought you just told me you were moving in with your girlfriend.

Student: I am...but still, that is going to be a distraction.

Me: Get out of my room! Don't you have somewhere to be?

Student who's not mine: Oh, come on!

Me: Go to class!

Student: I'm not even worried about class right now! I'm worried about getting your number!

Me: So, give me an example of one expectation someone might have for this class.

Student: I expect to be BORED! Don't you feel like they teach us the same stuff every year?

Student: *walks into class and sits down.*

Me: Start filling in your contact sheet.

Student: So, I'm gonna take out my cell phone and start writing on the desk instead. Oh, and eat some apple pie!

Me: *stares*

Student: Psych!

Me: Okay, so now you're going to make your career poster. *hands student markers and crayons.* You're just going to take the English class skills you think a lawyer would need, and write them down. What did you say a lawyer needs to know?

Student: How not to eat crayons!

Me: Oh.

Manic Monday

While Going Over Capitalization Rules...
Me: Whenever you see the letter "I" by itself, you have to capitalize it. No matter what.
Student: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put "U" and "I" together.
Me: It's going to be one of those days, isn't it?

While Reading Night...
Student 1: If I were him, I would just eat all of my bread right away, and worry about later later.
Student 2: No, that's stupid! You'd die!
Me: They don't know how long they're going to be marching for...it might be a bad idea to eat everything right away.
Student 1: Nah, I'd just find some food on the ground.
Me: There's thousands of people marching! Would you want to bank on you being the one to find the food on the ground? Even if it was just our class marching somewhere, I'd feel uncomfortable assuming I'd be the one to find the food.
Student 1: We'd probably have to eat each other...but we can't eat Ms. F...she's too skinny.
Me: Thank you.
Student 2: We'd really only be able to use you as a toothpick.
Student 3: Y'all aren't eating me...I'd shank you first.
Student 4: Can we get back to the book?
Me: No one's eating anyone!
Student 1: Maybe we could eat T----....no, he wouldn't be good.

Me: Why do you cuss so much?
Student: I do not. I am one of the least cussative students you have. *pause.* If cussative is a word. Is cussative a word?
Me: No.
Student: Oh. I'm going to have to make it one. How do you make a word? Do you have to go to the government for that?

Hall monitor outside my room: Fourth period! Find somewhere to go!
Student: I hate when they say that. "Find somewhere to go." I found somewhere to go. It's in the f**king hallway.
Me: *silence*
Student: You feel me, Ms. F., yo?

early morning gems

Student: You know what the toughest book I ever read was? Humpty Dumpty! That egg goes hard!
Everyone else in the class: Um, what?
Student: For real! He gets up on that wall and just sits there, even though everything's falling down around him! If I were an egg, I wouldn't do that shit!


Me: How was the speech test?
Student 1: Oh, I didn't take it.
Me: Again!? Why on earth not!?
Student 1: Because! That guy's gay! He makes me sit in a quiet room, all alone with him...
Me: That's because it's a speech test. He needs to make sure he can hear you.
Student 1: I don't want to take it!
Me: You really need to put yourself in the speech therapist's shoes for a minute. He--
Student 2: His shoes!? EW!!!
Me: You be quiet!
Student 2: *scrunches face up* EEEEW!!

Me: You know, you have an 82 in my class.

Student 1: Really!?

Me: Yup. Good job!

Student 1, gesturing to the other student in the room: What's his grade?

Me: Umm...not an 82.

Student 2: Oh yeah! That's because I'm smart!

Student 1: Yo, she said not an 82.

Student 2: Oh.

Student 1: Man, you're failing everything. I bet the only class you're passing is lunch.

Student 2: I don't even go to lunch! Show's how stupid you are! Stupid!

Student: Ms. F, am I passing your class?
Me: No.
Student: Why not!?
Me: Because you never come!
Student: Aw, that means I'm gonna be failing all of my classes!
Me: Well...maybe you should come to school.
Student: That's so HARD!
Me: ?
Student: So, if I'm failing, will I still be passing?
Me: Ummmm...no.

Student: Ms. F., are you angry right now?
Me: No...
Student: Oh. 'Cause there's a vein in your forehead that is just SAVAGE right now.


Student 1, approaching me in the hallway right before class: There's only two of us here! Where is everyone?
Me: Who cares!? All the cool kids are here!
Student 2: runs out of the classroom, makes a face, and slams himself into a locker
Me: *silence*
Student 1: Um...I'm not that cool! I'm not that cool!


Student: I'm so mad at Ms. W!
Me: Why?
Student: She said she'd give me make-up work, and she didn't yet!
Me: I'm sure she will.
Student: I'm going to go into her room and set it on fire!
Me: No you're not.
Student: I'm just going to wile out and throw desks everywhere!
Me: No you're not.
Student: I'm going to go in there, take a bunch of pencils, arrange them on the floor in a perfect square, and be like WHAT NOW MS. W!?
Me: That sounds more like it.

Me: It's too bad. I feel like his heart's really in the right place, but he just can't control himself.

Administrator: I'm not sure if his heart is in the right place.

Me: Yeah, I see what you're saying...

Administrator: No, I really mean it. He just got out of jail for stealing a car.

Me: Oh.

In which very little learning happens.

During a lesson on figurative language...
Student: Life is like a bathroom...you only go there once in a lifetime.
Ms. D: Do you really only go to the bathroom once in a lifetime?
Student: Oh...no.


During a game of Night Jeopardy...
Me: This is the continent where the Holocaust occurred.
Student: [quickly holds up a picture he has drawn, which is of a truck]
Me: Close...

I say it because you're not grateful...

Student: Ms. F, what is that thing you always say about horses?
Me: What are you talking about?
Student: That weird expression you use! Something about horses!
Me: "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth"?
Student: Yeah! Why do you say that?