Me: So why are we taking this reading test for a second time?

Student: So we can see how much we've learned.

Me: That's right, to measure our growth.

Student 2: But I feel like I've only grown 2 inches!

Me: So how would our world be different if we cared about love more than anything else?

Student: Well, my parents would probably go to Paris and never come back for me.

Student 1, to New Student: Just wait until everyone's here...you'll see...no matter how much is going on, Ms. F. will hear everything you say.

Me: It's true. I notice everything.

Student 1: Well if I was in a class full of black people, I'd notice everything too!

School is hard sometimes.

Student: Why do we always have so much work on the first day of the semester?

Me: We need to set a serious tone.

Student: Well I'm about to put a serious tone in my own FACE!

Me: NOT THAT KIND OF TONE!

Student: I know. Sorry.

Me: So, for your Independent Reading Homework, you can read something you already have at home, or you can pick something out right now.

Student: Does the McDonald's Menu count?

Wait, what?

Me: Remember, you need to be seated and quiet until the bell rings, or you're not going anywhere! Some of you have been trying to sneak out...

Student 1: Yeah, we can all thank Student 2 for that one.

Student 2: That wasn't me!

Me: Who was it, then?

Student 2: My twin.

Student 1: What's her name?

Student 2: Lily.

Opinions on me.

Student: I can't be in this class.

Me: Why on earth not?

Student: Your voice is too high. It hurts.

Student: I like my teachers. But FUCK students, FUCK administrators, FUCK my family, FUCK EVERYONE ELSE.

Me: Uh...

Student: Ms. F, I think you are going to feel really bad tomorrow.

Me: Why?

Student: Because you are being so mean.

Me: I don't think I'll feel bad.

Student 1: Ms. F., you are the coolest teacher ever.

Me: You only say that when you know I'm mad at you.

Student 2: No, she's NOT the coolest teacher.

Student 1: DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY TEACHER LIKE THAT OR I'LL STAB YOU IN THE F%!#% FACE!!

Me: Uh, thanks?

Student: Do you have kids?

Me: No, not yet.

Student: What kind of a life is that?

Me: Hey! It's a fine life!

Student: Why are your car seats down?

Me: Because I had a Christmas tree in the back of my car.

Student: God, why even BOTHER getting a Christmas tree with no kids?

Student: This is a pretty sweet car. All you need is to get a nice tint job.

Me: Hm. And what about some sweet rims?

Student: Um, no. Just the tint.

Me: Oh, I know! And some hydraulics!

Student: NO.

Me: But I could be bumpin' in here!

Student: NO, MS. F!

general inanity and confusion

Tiffany: Hey, did you know there's a movie with my name in it called Breakfast at Tiffany's?

Student 2: Hey, did you know there's a movie called Tiffany Shut the Fuck Up?

Me: No, I didn't! So don't tell me about it!

Student 2: No, seriously, Ms. F, it's On Demand right now!

Me: So, we need to use the word "mandate" in a sentence. Any ideas?

Student 1: I don't know, but your name should be in it, because you're being mean today.

Student 2: Hey, where'd my pencil go?

Me: How about, "Ms. F. issued a mandate requiring everyone to look for Student 2's pencil."

Student 1: Oh, can I go?

Me: Sure!

Student 1: "The new mandate told Tiffany to just stop talking."

Me: Never mind.

Student 1: *accepts bathroom pass and gets up to go to the restroom*

Student 2: Hey! Where are you going?

Student 1: To the CLUB.

Me: A passive sentence is just awkward and boring. I don't want to say "The essay was written by S---." I want to say "S---wrote the essay."

S---: What essay?

Me: No, it's an example.

S---: I didn't write no essay.

Students: It's an example!

S---: I don't understand. What essay?

Student: Oh, you remember, the one you wrote last week? About the verbs?

S---: Oh...yeah, that's right.

Me, to hyper student: My goodness, did you have coffee for lunch?

Hyper student: What?

Other student: Oh my God, are you saying that coffee makes you BAD??

Me: What's the matter today?

Student: Well, you know, when you were younger, and you used to date people?

Me: Ouch!

Student: Ms. F., what's in Connecticut?

Me: My family.

Student: No, I mean, what is there to do?

Me: Honestly, not much. There's--

Student: Are there cows in Connecticut?

Me: Actually there are--

Student: I knew it. I couldn't go there. If I stepped in cow manure, I would KILL that cow!

Student: Ms. F., can there be two queens of England?

Me: Well, no, it's one position.

Student: But what if the queen was gay?

Me: Then, honestly, she probably wouldn't tell anyone.

Student: No! I mean, what if she was gay, and she married a woman? Then there'd be two queens!

Student 2: And I'd be moving to London!

Student: It's supposed to snow. Ms. W. said that we need to wear our pajamas inside out.

Me: That's right!

Student: And sleep with a knife under our pillows.

Me: I think that's a spoon.

Student: No, knife!

Me: Spoon!

Student: Knife!

Me: It HAS to be a SPOON! If it was a knife, you could hurt yourself!

Student: But it would be so much more exciting!

it's october, and not much has changed...

My Students On World Cultures:

Me, standing at the world map: Okay, our new student is from the Philippines. Where's that?

My two American students: I don't know!

My Filipino Student: It is very small...

Me: Okay, then. Where are we right now? That's easier.

All three students: *stare blankly and silently at the map*

Me: Never mind, guys...have a good day.

***

Student 1, pointing to the Filipino student in the class and whispering: Ms. F, why does he talk so funny?

Me, whispering: Um, because he's from another country.

Student 1: Okay. I just can't stop laughing when he talks.

Me: Well you can't do that...it's really disrespectful.

Student 1: Okay. I'll try to stop.

Filipino Student: Hey, where is that fat girl who was next to me yesterday? She is absent?

Student 1: *dissolves into laughter*

Filipino Student, oblivious: What is your name again?

Me: Ms. F.

Filipino Student: Can I call you Mr. G?

Me: Well no, for lots of reasons...but mostly, I'm not a man, so you can't say "Mister," right?

Student 1: "Mr. G!" *almost falls out of his seat*

Me: This is going to be interesting.

My Students On Religion:

Me: *reads aloud from a short story book*

Student: *quietly mumbles in the back of the room*

Me: *keeps reading, attempting to ignore it*

Student: *keeps mumbling*

Me: Okay, what on earth are you doing? I've already had to talk to you too much about talking today.

Student: Oh, no, I'm not talking! I'm saying "Amen"!

Me: What?

Student: Well, you know, when you're in church, and someone is reading, people always say stuff after every sentence, like "Amen." So that's what I'm doing.

Me: Well, I know what you're talking about. But this isn't church. You can't do that!

Student: *silence*

Me: *Continues reading*

Student: OH, THERE IS A FIRE IN HERE TODAY!

***

Student 1: I am going to become Jewish.

Student 2: Then you're going to Hell. Because Jewish people don't believe in God.

Me: AAHH! That's not true! Jewish people believe in God! They just don't believe in Jesus!

Student 2: Oh, that's right.

Student 3: Jewish people think that God is Muslim.

Me: NOO! Islam is something TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

Student 3: Well Muslim peole think God is Muslim.

Me: Well...at least that's closer...

My Students on...Academics?

Me: Okay, what is one text-to-self connection you can make to this I, Robot clip?

Student: Well, Will Smith doesn't like that robot very much, and I don't like you.

Me: Excuse me?

Student: Just kidding!

Me: Okay, so now, what is one text-to-self connection you can make to this clip from The Office?

Student: WHITE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!!

Me: Fair enough...

Student, practicing her "C" vocabulary words: I don't have any contrast.

Me: What'd you say?

Student: I have no contrast!

Me: Do you mean "compassion"?

Student: Yeah, that's right.

Me: I think you have compassion.

Student: Well, for you. Not for anyone else. I don't care about anyone.

Other student, practicing his "C" vocabulary words: I would never have credibility! I wouldn't pay back money someone loaned me!

Me: Well, I think there are a lot of people who don't have that sort of credibility.

Student: Yeah. I would keep the money and use it to buy a bag.

Me: Do you understand why that is not an appropriate thing to say in this classroom?

Student: Not really...

Me: Well, too bad. It isn't. Shut up.

Me: What's another pronoun in this sentence?

Student: "Sit."

Me: Well there's two problems with that. For one, "sit" isn't a pronoun. Also, it's not one of the words in the sentence.

Me: What's a noun again?

First period student: A verb.

Me: Well, close, but no.

Me, later in the day: Okay, we're talking about nouns. Tell me what a noun is.

Third period student: A part of a sentence. A verb!

Me: What did I do wrong here?

Student 1, making up a quiz from the first week of school: What are our classroom rules?

Student 2: We don't have any...there's only five of us in here.

Me: That's right...we're all running wild, all the time.

Me: Okay, then, if you guys are going to keep talking, I'll just wait for you. *Sits down*

[two minute elapse.]

Student 1: Oh, come on! Can we keep going? I want to read!

Student 2, bitterly: We can't! Because YOU keep talking.

Me: That's right. I'm just going to sit here and keep track of how much time you're all wasting.

Student 2: You know what you should do instead? Start throwing desks out the window. And then be like, 'I guess you guys have to go get them if you want a place to sit!'

Me: Somehow, I don't think that will help...

serious literary analysis

After the twist ending of the short story "The Lottery" was revealed...

Student: Oh my God, why didn't that lady call the police?

Me: Um, I think the police were involved in the stoning, too.

Student: So she couldn't run?

Me: What would you do, if it was 299 against 1? You wouldn't be able to run.

Student: Man. I'd just refuse to be in the lottery.

Me: I think they'd look down on that...

Student: Well then you'd know what I'd do? I'd sit on the toilet with a gun. I'd sleep with a gun. I'd eat breakfast with a gun. I'd...

Me: Okay, okay!

Student 2: So wait, what happened to the money?

Me: What money?

Student 2: The lottery money. She didn't get to keep the money?

Me: There was never any money.

Student 2: So there was a lottery...and if you won it, you won dying?

Me: Yes.

Student 2: Oh.